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Wednesday, March 15th, 2006
2:50 pm

Whoever was reading in here - I have to admit: this lovely little place is so dead *laughs*

Thank you for staying with us during the short time we had together *smiles* and my apologise that this will not continue.

edit & personal addition:
Personally I really love that community and that name means a lot to me. I had it in my mind for quite a time already before I decided to use it for this place and I was more than happy that my dear Servant of Rome liked it as much as I did and still do. So I will keep the community and the name - maybe it will be used again for whatever one day.

Your Knight.

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Wednesday, July 20th, 2005
3:57 pm - !!! off-topic comment !!!

My apologise, but this is necessary - I love this new layout! Thank you Lessy, for all the work you do for this small and quiet community *smiles*

Your Knight.

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Monday, June 6th, 2005
10:19 am

The first time he says my name is so quiet that I nearly miss it with the loud noise of falling rain. But when he tries it again my head snaps up and immediately my gaze falls on him.

"Arthur. Don't... don't speak now."

I am by his side immediately, crawling through the mud. I am half sitting, half kneeling behind him now and try to pull him against me to allow him in a more comfortable position. He needs something to drink but in the hurry I returned I did not bring anything with me. I am cursing myself for this.

While Arthur rests, leaning against my body I clasp my hands and collect the harshly falling rain. It seems to take ages to get enough water to offer it to Arthur. He cannot really drink it as it is too little for that but it covers his lips and tongue at least.

Although the skin on my hands is ripped apart I push wet strands of hair out of his face - touch, caress him, stroke him. I have to. I need to feel him to make sure that...

... he is real.
... he is here.
... he lives.

The rains stops and the night sky is slowly clearing, while the first morning light, dimmed by thick mist, finds its way.

No! Damn no no no! No light. Not yet.

But all cursing does not help. The day comes inexorably and with this we lost the biggest advantage we had - protection. I still have my weapons but I know that if the Woads search for us we are lost. I cannot fight them a second time.

Not at day.
Not without the advantage of surprise.
Not with jagged and tarnished blades.

I am tired, cold and my hands are a mess.

We cannot expect any help.
Not from Rome as with his actions Arthur cut the bonds to his land.
Not from Sarmatia as the other knights returned home the last night.
Not from any Woad as the old alliances are dead.

The mist is still thick and the last protection we have at the moment but it can clear every moment. We have to get away from here. I know Arthur needs rest and he is weak and wounded but I cannot allow him what he needs.

"Come. I will help you, Arthur."

I get up and grab the arm protections of my armour and my swords. I pull Arthur up to his feet, slowly and his pain is my pain but I have to hurt him even more, I have to push him into more pain because I want to save him.

I am leading him deeper into the forrest. We should get out of the woods if we want to leave the Woads but without horses and with Arthur wounded and weak as he is, I know we would not get far. So I lead him there where the enemy is expecting us least: right in front of them.

While I hold him up with one arm in a firm grip, my other hand covers his mouth and muffles the painful moans and gasps.

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Tuesday, May 31st, 2005
1:22 pm

Exhaustion and pain makes me see things. Makes me see *him*.

Just when I think that finally death is near, already touching my ice-cold, numb skin and I want nothing more than to give in, I notice the sudden battle noise around me.

I cannot move, I cannot even raise my head to look what's going on. But I know the sound of twin blades cutting through flesh. I know the sound of *him*, when he is screaming with rage, filled with blood-lust.

It cannot be.

He cuts the ropes and I fall to the ground like a stone. The pain explodes and I can barely keep myself conscious. Then he is with me, trying to support me, to get us out of here. He slaughters Woads with just a dagger while he half carries me and it is pure madness.

You cannot be here. Why are you here? I did this for you. So you can live.

Benath us, on the ground, footprints fill with water and blood. Above us, the sky is full of thunder.

I fight the heavy pull of darkness that colours my vision black. I cannot die now. Not now, when he is here. When he came back for me.


I open my eyes and cannot believe that I am still alive. Doesn't feel like it.

My eyes focus on him immediately. He is so very pale, shivering from the cold rain. Is he hurt?

I can feel that he has bound my wounds. With strips of his tunic, as it seems. Even his cloak he has given to me, to protect me from the rain.


My voice is barely audible. It's coarse and raspy and sounds strange to my own ears.

But to say his name is comfort in its own. And so I do it again.

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Monday, May 16th, 2005
10:10 pm

We ride in silence.

When we left our little camp in the woods I was looking back every now and then as I hoped to catch a glimpse of Arthur looking at me but he did not. He had just eyes for his Guinevere who lay cold and dead in his arms but not for his First Knight anymore.

I am cold and dead as well.

The other knights follow me in silence as they recognise I do not want to speak and they do not dare to ask what happened between Arthur and me. Surely one part of them is puzzled about all this but I am certain that another part is happy that we can leave this island. And this part does not want to ask any questions that would bring us back to Arthur and Rome.

So they follow me as I lead them through the densley forrest on small paths. I am leading them South east to the sea. I am riding day and night, never in a hurry but I push them as much as possible. I refuse to eat or to rest as I have to leave. This is what Arthur told me to do while stayed.

I know that all of them are staring at my back. I can feel their gazes but I do not turn around. I do not want to see their eyes as I fear what I would see there – a reflection of Arthur’s green ones, filled with pain?

A branch hits my face hard when I ride distracted by my thoughts, not really looking anymore where the path leads. A loud curse leaves my lips and it is not only for this branch but also for me, for Arthur, for Guinevere the most. I can feel the cut under my eye and the blood dripping from it. And slowly tears are mixing with the dripping blood, affecting my view.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I hate ships.

Ships sink.

And I always hated them but tonight I hate them even more and I hate myself for the reason why I hate them: because they will bring me away from here, away from Arthur.

It is raining. The rain is cold but I do not care as I am feeling cold inside anyway this rain is not danger for me anymore. Gawain steps out of the tavern and asks me to come back in but I ignore him. I ignore him as I ignored them all since we left Arthur.

I am just staring at the sea and I wonder what will wait for me on the other side of the water, what will wait for me at home and what will wait for… Arthur.

Merlin. And death.

That I know but I have no idea what exactly awaits Arthur. I need to know.

I cannot see properly while I stare out onto the rough sea playing with obviously too small ships – I hate ships – and this time it is the rain which affects my view and not my blood or my tears. I do not have tears anymore. I have wept enough during the last days since we left Arthur.

I am dead.

So why should I fear a rough sea? A ship? Leaving? Home.


I lost already everything and within these hours Arthur will die, I am sure. Or probably he is dead already?

The door of the tavern opens again but this time it is Tristan who joins me. He sits down next to me and within minutes he is as wet as I am who was sitting here for hours now. Typically Tristan – he sits there and says nothing, just eating an apple as if this is the best place to do this.

I want to send him away but I do not dare to as I am sure my voice would tremble enough lose control of everything. I clench my jaw and remain silent, staring out to the sea. I rub my face with one hand, pushing heavy and wet strands of hair out of my tired and burning eyes.

“What are you waiting for?”

When I hear Tristans quiet voice my head snap up and I stare at him for a long moment. I open my mouth to say something but no word, no sound comes out of it. I just stare at Tristan.

“Until it is too late?”

As if we are talking about wonderful weather he offers me a slice of his apple and when I do not react he pokes me with his dagger slightly and nods. So I take the apple and eat it slowly.

“You cannot go back half dead and starving. And you know that.”

He puts the dagger down and stands again. He looks down at me and smiles, nodding at his dagger.

“I am going home. I do not need it anymore. But you, you kill some of the bastards with it. Good luck, Lancelot.”

I do not ask him why he knows.

Tristan always knows.

I stay for another moment before I hide the dagger under my clothes. I wrap the cloak tight around my body and return to the tavern. The knights all stare at me. I think they feared me through the last days. And they still do. I have changed and they sense it.

I tell them what I am going to do and what they are going to do. I think they want to return home but at least Bors has the heart to argue with me that they will go with me.

I refuse it.

This I have to do myself and I cannot take them with me. Tristan knew it already when he talked to me. And slowly the others understand as well when I tell them everything. Probably they do not understand it but they accept it.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I push my horse, I flay it and finally I hit it when I still have the feeling I am too slow. I choose to ride the same way back and I do not take care when the branches hit and cut my face this time. I am wearing my light armour as the heavy one would have been hindering to ride fast enough.

I know where the Woads’ camp is and when I am nearly there I slow down my horse and dismount. I leave it hidden between bushes and trees and approach without an unnecessary sound.

And then I see him.

I nearly forget how to behave. I stand there, straight and upright, staring at the sore, hurt, wet, bleeding body I can see through the trees.


I turn away and dare to close my eyes for a moment. I swallow and push every distracting thought and feeling aside. I have to focus if this should work out. I am one and they are many. I have no time and I will have a wounded man with me. They have everything and I have nothing.

But better to die with Arthur now than to leave.

I turn back and look at him again. And now I do not see my friend anymore. I do not see the man I love so much or the Commander he is, I do not see the blood and the wounds.

I just see something that I call ‘ my target’ and I will get it – the easy way or the other.

The first Woad dies with a gurgling sound when I slice his throat with Tristan’s dagger. His blood soaks the ground when I step over his limp body.

With this first Woad the killer in me is unleashed and I do not care who or how many I kill. I never lose sight of my target. And it is not important how many attack me to stop me.

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They say the ones who have nothing to lose are the most dangerous fighters – they are right.

My swords are sticky and the leather protections at my arms and my hands are slippery with blood when I reach Arthur. With a forceful strike of my sword I cut his ties.

I want to hold him, to help him but when I want to reach out for Arthur another Woad attacks me and have no choice but to focus on this warrior. My sword impales him and I draw it back with a twisting move. He is dead before he hits the ground.

But behind me Arthur hits the ground hard as he is too weak to help himself.

The loud sounds of a fight alarm the rest of the Woads as well and when I reach Arthur and pull him onto his feet a short glance is enough to know that we are both dead. I let go of my swords and grab Tristan’s dagger again, ready to kill us both before I allow these creatures to have us.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I sit there between the trees, next to my horse. A small fire burns but it is pathetic as the wood I found was wet – more stuffy smoke than warming heat.

I watch Arthur who is unconscious since we managed to get out of the Woads’ camp. How I am still not sure. There was more rain and then thunder… a huge tree was struck by lightning.

And now I am here.

With Arthur.

I put away the arm protections of my armour. The weapons lie in front of me and I let the rain wash away the blood of the blades. I look down at my hands and my palms are covered with teared open blisters and blood.

I have no cloak as I have covered Arthur with it.


That is all I can do now.

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Monday, May 9th, 2005
11:50 pm - The story continues

Carefully, I had picked up Guinevere's cold dead body from the ground, almost gently, as if not to cause her more pain. With the same gentleness I had wrapped her into coarse linen and strapped the body to my horse.

I didn't say one last word of farewell to my former knights, nor did I look back at Lancelot once. It was meant only half to punish him, but more to punish myself.

It is my fault.

I don't know how long I rode till I could see out of the corner of my eye the first Woads darting through the trees around me. They drove me closer into the forest. Closer to Merlin.

When he finally emerged from the darkness of the trees around us, I could read in his face that he already knew. His sad eyes wandered to the concealed body behind me on the horse, and he gestured towards his men to take it down. To take *her* away from me. Other hands reached for me, seized me, and pulled me from the horse.

Guinevere's body was brought before Merlin and laid onto the ground. Again, her broken eyes stared at me accusingly, when the face was revealed.
Angry shouts came from the now gathered crowd and I was forced to my knees, hands pulled back and bound tightly. And still Merlin did not speak to me.

"It's my fault," I said, my voice dull with pain. "I am so.. so sorry. Instead of bringing your people peace, I only brought more death. You may judge over me as you wish."

My eyes cast to the ground before me, I didn't notice that Merlin had moved. Gently, his hand lifted my chin, his knowing eyes boring into mine. The sadness in them wrung a sob from my throat. - Guinevere had been a symbol, yes. A peace-offering, to unite this land with the half-briton, who had fought against his own people half of his life. But she had also been Merlin's daughter.

He must hate me. He must hate me as I hated him for the death of my mother.

"I cannot protect you anymore, Arthur Castus." His voice sounded coarse and broken. The voice of an old man. "I know it wasn't you, who killed her," he said, stopping me with a wave of his hand, when I opened my mouth to speak. "I *know* it wasn't you." He repeated. "But you came back to suffer for it, and so you shall. My people demand it. The pact between us is broken. "

Lightly, his hand caressed my cheek. "This is not the future I have foreseen..." With these words he turned and walked away, supported on his staff, as if any strength was drawn from him.

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I thought I could bear everything that they would do to me. Pain meant nothing to me and I wasn't afraid to die. I longed for death. Now, that I had lost everything. But death didn't come, and the pain seemed to last forever.

They had stripped me to the waist and bound me tightly, so I was hanging from my wrists between two strong trees, arms outstretched and hurting. My wrists were already sore, because the ropes bit sharply into the skin, abrading it, and I just couldn't stop struggling against the bonds, testing them again and again from time to time.

I am sure I screamed, when they forced small, polished stakes of wood through the skin and flesh of my chest, piercing it and stretching the wound, pouring something onto it to make the blood flow freely. But the memory of this is already blurring, because the pain of here and now is too present, too demanding.

Death will be a mercy, when it comes.

My throat is sore and I would cry with relief if only the tiniest drop of water hit my tongue right now.
Warm blood is still trickling down my chest, dripping onto the ground, gathering there. My blood. I am shivering, my skin ice-cold by now and my head swimming from the bloodloss.

My life is leaving me, but not fast enough. Too much time left to think.

I turn my gaze towards the dark clouded sky, my lips trying to form words, but I don't dare to pray.

Minutes later, it begins to rain.

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Wednesday, April 27th, 2005
9:33 am - *wicked grin*

Well maybe I want to be on top *winks*

[Thank God we can delete these entries....*laughs*]

I am so glad you are both happy with this layout. The only other thing I wanted to do was fix the background image. But with this template I cannot keep it from scrolling. So we can leave the image as it is, or I can make it taller/longer? Up to you guys, it's your journal and I am only here to please you. *winks*

current mood: awake

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11:48 am

It is indeed awsome! *bows to EG* Both, the design and the avatar are great.
And I am happy and relieved that you like it, too, my Knight. *winks*

current mood: excited

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8:45 am

*looks surprised at the LJ*

You amaze me again and again, dear... this looks awsome!!
I love the colours and the ava is wonderful, both are. This is perfect and better than anything we have tried before! *hugs*

*looks at the Servant* and you... you look as good as always *winks* beneath AND a top of me (as this would ever happen *wide wide smile*)

I would love to keep it as it is.

Your Knight.

current mood: happy

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3:30 am

Just because I want to see how I look above or beneath my Knight. *g*

current mood: amused

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Tuesday, April 26th, 2005
8:35 pm - Graphics Post


I have added an icon and seek feedback from the cheeky boys.

Here's another possibility. Or can duplicate that first icon you had (which is still loaded in this community) and simply add the name of the community for text. *winks* Also testing layout with a new entry.

current mood: amused

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4:36 pm

A test post only and I hope I can delete it again later... *g*

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